


The Trouble with Toddlers

by celli



Category: Eureka
Genre: Babyfic, Established Relationship, science gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-22
Updated: 2007-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:34:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celli/pseuds/celli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the denizens of Global Dynamics may have engaged in some inadvertent international child smuggling, to the dismay of Jack Carter and Nathan Stark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Trouble with Toddlers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wyoluvr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=wyoluvr).



> Spoilers through the end of S2.
> 
> Written as part of the [Sweet Charity](http://www.sweet-charity.net/) auction, with proceeds going to [RAINN](http://www.rainn.org/).
> 
> Acknowledgments: Thanks to [](http://gnomi.livejournal.com/profile)[**gnomi**](http://gnomi.livejournal.com/) for the pronoun wrangling, [](http://nestra.livejournal.com/profile)[**nestra**](http://nestra.livejournal.com/) for straightening out my pretzel-like sentences, and [](http://slodwick.livejournal.com/profile)[**slodwick**](http://slodwick.livejournal.com/) for both the cover and the title, among other things. Thanks also to [](http://barely-bean.livejournal.com/profile)[**barely_bean**](http://barely-bean.livejournal.com/) and [](http://out-there.livejournal.com/profile)[**out_there**](http://out-there.livejournal.com/) for the along-the-way encouragement, and to [](http://fiercelydreamed.livejournal.com/profile)[**fiercelydreamed**](http://fiercelydreamed.livejournal.com/) for the brainstorming.
> 
> For [](http://wyoluvr.livejournal.com/profile)[**wyoluvr**](http://wyoluvr.livejournal.com/). Thank you for bidding on me, and giving me such great stuff to work with, and, well, just for your general awesomeness. :)

"For a man who's supposed to be a supergenius, you're the biggest idiot in town!" Jack slammed the Jeep door shut behind him, a sound instantly echoed with even more force.

" _I'm_ an idiot? I didn't trip over my own two jackboot-clad feet and set off a doomsday device with my _head_!"

"Don't you throw that in my face. If it hadn't been sitting there with a giant red button on it--S.A.R.A.H., door--in the first place, then stupid accidents couldn't happen."

They stormed into the kitchen, where Zoe was sitting at the counter eating something vegetable-ish and reading a textbook.

"Hi, honey," Jack said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head on his way across the room. "How was the English test?"

"I have hand cramps from all the typing. But I think I did okay."

"How about chemistry?" Nathan asked as Jack ducked into the closet where his gun safe was.

He came out as Nathan collected a beer and a glass of red wine from the counter. He nodded at Jack and headed upstairs.

"Anything else happening I should know about?" Jack asked Zoe.

"It can wait 'til dinner. Just let Nathan tell you you're a moron, it'll make him feel better."

"Maybe he was the moron this time!"

Zoe smirked. "Whatever you say, Dad."

"You know, anyone could miss a step," Jack grumped to himself, and put extra stomp in his step on the way upstairs.

"So you admit it was a stupid accident," Nathan said as Jack came through the door.

"It wasn't-- _my_ part of it wasn't the stupid part, damn it." Jack grabbed the beer from Nathan's outstretched hand and took a long slug.

"Oh, stupid's exactly what it was. Stupid. Ridiculous. Brainless."

"Asinine?" S.A.R.A.H. interjected.

Both Jack and Nathan glared up.

"Never mind," she said.

Jack slammed his beer down on the dresser. "Are you done?" he asked Nathan.

"Done with the wine, or done calling you names?"

"Both."

Nathan set his wine glass down next to the beer. "For the moment."

"Good," Jack said, and jumped him.

***

Jack flopped back on the bed, sucking in air. "Wow."

"Here's my question," Nathan said from the next pillow over. "Why does our best foreplay always involve you being a sanctimonious pain in the ass?"

"Oh, that is such a lie. Our best foreplay always involves me narrowly saving the universe from the scientists of Global Dynamics."

Nathan rolled over on top of Jack. "Nah, that's just a coincidence."

***

The relationship between Jack and Nathan had been something of a nine days' wonder. Well, maybe more of a ninety days' wonder. But, this being Eureka, people tended to be almost aggressively welcoming.

Jack found it kind of creepy, to be honest.

At least Taggart had finally stopped telling long, graphic, _loud_ stories about homosexual behavior in the wild every time he saw one or both of them. Vincent refused to take the picture of them kissing down from the back wall of Cafe Diem, though--and every time Jack stole it, Jo shamelessly provided a new one. And Allison still had a weird, kind of possessive expression on her face every time she saw the two of them together.

("It irritates me," Nathan said once, after a Global Dynamics picnic--the one with the automatic softball pitch machine that went haywire and strafed the outfield, not the one with Jody Bennett's holographic projector that turned the whole park into a boiling pit of lava. "She acts like we're her doing. She turned down my proposal. She didn't turn me gay."

"She didn't? Damn, I'll have to stop sending her thank-you cards."

"Shut up and stop taking the icepack off.")

They walked into the cafe, Zoe ricocheting between the two of them because she was paying more attention to her thumbs on the keypad of her cell phone than she was to her feet on the ground. Vincent already had their drinks waiting for them.

"It's like you're torturing me every morning," Zoe said, glaring down at her orange juice.

"It's exactly like that," Jack said through a mouthful of coffee. "I admire your powers of observation."

"There's always milk," Nathan suggested.

Zoe gave him a look of horrified repugnance.

"Chocolate milk?"

She huffed and whipped out her cell phone again. Jack and Nathan smirked at each other across the table. "Milk. Orange juice. Family breakfasts," she muttered.

"With no cell phones allowed," Jack said and snatched Zoe's out of her hand.

"Hey!"

Jack tossed it to Nathan, who pocketed it and gave her his patented _come near my personal space and die_ look. Jack was very fond of that look. Some of their best sex had started with that look.

"You're just disgustingly domestic," she said, glaring at each of them in turn. "You should run off together and raise big fat babies somewhere."

"And we wouldn't let them use cell phones at the breakfast table either," Jack said. "It's like the circle of life, Carter-style."

Nathan said, "Sounds positively Utopian."

"Lots of babies," Zoe said ominously. " _Really_ fat ones."

***

Three and a half hours later, Jack looked up at Nathan from the sea of milling toddlers and said, rather desperately, "You don't think Zoe made it happen somehow, do you?"

***

"Tell me how this is Fargo's fault," Jack said. He collapsed on the couch in Allison's office, next to a still-shell-shocked Nathan.

"I would like nothing better," Nathan said, "but it's not him."

Jack cocked an eyebrow at Allison. She nodded. "There's a group of scientists that just received approval to work on a new project. Highly experimental physics."

"Extremely over your head," Nathan murmured, and Jack nudged him in the side.

"The point is," Allison said as Nathan shoved back, "that the device they created, which was actually supposed to work as something of a miniature but fully functional supercollider--"

Nathan snorted.

"--had an unintended side effect."

"Of, what, zapping small children into existence?"

"No, Jack, we're not actually creating life from nothingness, not even at Global Dynamics."

"Really, Nathan? You want to tell me where the kids came from, then?"

"Eastern Europe." Allison rubbed delicately at her temples. "We think. We need to analyze what little language they speak."

"What? Wait. Teleportation is illegal."

"We know, we were there," Nathan snapped. "Obviously, it wasn't supposed to happen."

"But it _did_ happen. I have nine small non-English-speaking children in the infirmary as proof."

"We _know,"_ Allison and Nathan said in unison.

Jack pushed himself up off the couch and paced across the office. "And what am I supposed to do? Call the embassy of Country X, once we figure out what Country X is, and say, oh, hey, I'm Jack Carter, sheriff of a small town you've never heard of, and some of my residents may have engaged in--in--inadvertent child smuggling? So sorry, pardon us, here's your small helpless children back, no harm no foul?"

"Well, what do you suggest?" Nathan asked. "Shall we keep them? They're not goldfish, in case that escaped your notice."

Jack pointed out the window of the office. "Speaking of escaping…"

They all turned to look.

"How did _that_ happen?" Allison asked.

Jack was already off and running.

***

Jack rescued a toddler from Henry's old office (which was supposed to be _locked,_ damn it). Then another from under Allison's desk. Then another from on top of the sink in the women's bathroom. From behind a potted plant in the psychobiology offices. From a (moving!) treadmill in the company gym. From Allison's office again--this one gleefully naked. Oh, God.

"Are you sure there's only nine of them?" he panted, dropping the latest one (a boy, who was very chattery in whatever language he spoke) into the makeshift playroom Fargo had set up in the infirmary. "I'd swear that was the thirteenth. They are toddlers, not really big Tribbles, right?"

Nathan looked at him blankly.

"Oh, come on. What kind of geek are you?"

Fargo laughed way too enthusiastically. "It's the Klingon Empire's fault!" he crowed. "And what we need to get our hands on is some quadrotri--"

"Fargo," Jack said.

"Too far?"

"Too far."

***

Finally, Fargo reinforced the "pen" properly. All the children had been rescued for the last time, and a round of diaper-changing had been performed--mostly by Jack, since he was able to manfully withstand the smell longer than anyone else. Some of the toddlers were asleep face-first in the cushions on the floor; others were playing ("No experimental toys, Stark." "This is Global Dynamics. I don't think we have any other kind." "Fargo, you're going shopping."). One of the boys--the one Jack had grabbed from Allison's office the second time--was sitting on the floor with Jack, looking at a Dr. Seuss book with him.

"Foot!" Jack said, pointing at the page in front of him. "Foot, foot, foot!"

The boy laughed and poked his finger at the picture.

"You're a lot more patient with these kids than I thought you'd be," Fargo said, poking at the translator device he was trying to set up. He sounded uncharacteristically cranky; either the device wasn't doing what he wanted it to, or the unidentified white blob on the back of his leg was baby-related.

Nathan lifted his head from the laptop he was working on. One of the girls had fallen asleep leaning against his leg; Nathan was pretending not to notice. (Jack prayed for surveillance pictures.) "He has one of his own, you know."

"I know. I just figured he wasn't--" Fargo shrugged. "You know."

"Fargo, shut up," Nathan said mildly, and went back to typing.

"Foot!" Jack said again.

The boy--they had to give them nicknames, or numbers, or something--copied Jack again. Then he said something, a little clearer than his usual babble.

Jack started laughing. "That's funny. He sounded like he said 'pizza.' Maybe he's Italian."

Nathan sat straight up, nearly knocking the laptop off his knees. "He's not Italian."

"What?"

Nathan said something to the kid, who bounced in Jack's lap and repeated it back to him perfectly, as far as Jack could tell.

"Huh." Nathan sat back. "Romanian."

"Romanian?" Jack looked down at the boy, who babbled up at him. "Huh."

"Romanian. Well, _fine_ , then." Fargo packed his machine up, muttering and grumbling to himself, and stalked off.

***

Jack slid the door open and inched his way out into the hallway. There was a snuffling sound behind him, and he froze, but when none of the babies actually woke up, he tiptoed the rest of the way out and closed the door as carefully as possible behind him.

"They asleep?" Allison asked behind him.

Jack jumped and spun around. "Shh! Yes, finally." He gestured down the hall, and Allison fell into step with him.

"Those are some very friendly kids," Jack said once they were out of even superhearing range. "The last couple just refused to go to sleep as long as there was someone else that might be having fun without them."

"Any progress on finding where in the Romanian-speaking world they're from?"

"I've got Jo combing through law enforcement databases and Internet reports. Hopefully we'll have something soon. In the meantime, Stark set up a video hookup in his office, so I'm going to crash on his couch for the night."

Allison raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?" Jack asked defensively. "It pulls out."

"I know. I just didn't think the two of you realized you could use it for _sleeping_."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jack said, blushing furiously.

***

Nathan was typing rapidly when Jack walked into his office. He didn't look up or break rhythm, just nodded towards the already pulled-out sofa bed.

"Let me guess, have to make up for all the time you lost this afternoon dealing with--"

"Yep."

"Got it." Jack stripped down to his boxers and undershirt and pretty much fell into bed. He'd forgotten how much one kid that age took out of you, let alone nine. Behind him, Nathan muttered something under his breath and stopped typing long enough to scratch something out on a piece of paper. Jack fell asleep before he even registered his eyes closing.

He woke up to a hand sliding its way down his chest. "Hi," he said groggily, blinking around to orient himself. The only light in the room came from the monitor on the screen, showing a room full of still-sleeping babies.

"Hey there," Nathan said. He kissed him. "Take your shirt off."

"I'm kinda tired," Jack said--whined, probably--as he reached for the bottom of his shirt. "I had to herd babies like cattle today."

"All right," Nathan said, and moved his hand away.

Jack grabbed it and put it back. "No, no, I didn't mean stop! Maybe we could just hurry it up, you know? And you could do most of the work."

Nathan stared down at him.

"Oh, come on. You know I'm good for it."

"Fine, but I'm not letting you forget it," Nathan said and reached for the shirt himself.

Jack participated enough to get his clothes off, then relaxed back against the bed and looked up at Nathan leaning over him. The light from the monitor outlined his form--already naked. Jack approved.

He reached up and ran a hand down Nathan's arm. Nathan batted it away. "Don't waste your strength," he said, but Jack caught the gleam of a smile as he bent down.

When he closed his eyes, Jack could still see the faintest bit of glow from the screen, but Nathan wrapped a hand slowly and deliberately around Jack's cock, and he forgot about anything happening outside this few square feet of mattress.

Since he had his eyes closed, Jack jerked in shock when Nathan's mouth closed around him. He made a sound that would normally really embarrass him, and flailed around until he caught a handful of bedding with each hand. Nathan, damn him, made an amused sound that just made Jack's blood pressure rise more, and applied more suction.

_I thought you were in a hurry,_ Jack could almost hear as Nathan nudged a knuckle down just at the base of his balls. Jack tried to hold out, for some kind of manly pride or something, but damn it, Nathan was ridiculously good at this (and knew it), and eventually he had to lose all attempt at control. There were sharp flashes of light behind his closed eyelids as he came.

When Jack opened his eyes again, Nathan was leaning up over him, wiping one side of his mouth. "I thought you were in a hurry."

Ha. "I held out just to piss you off," Jack said. Nathan already had one hand on his own cock, and Jack moved his hand to join him.

"This does not…count…as your turn…" Nathan panted, and then seemed to run out of breath entirely as Jack twisted his thumb around the tip of Nathan's cock.

Jack grinned smugly as Nathan came down hard on top of him. "I don't know, you seemed to like it just fine."

"We'll argue about it later."

"Sure thing," Jack said, yawning like crazy. He grabbed a corner of the sheet and swiped at his stomach. "Did you lock the door?"

"For the love of God. One time, one time I don't lock the door--"

"The look on Jo's face--"

"And it was the first time you ever laid a hand on me, so I can hardly be blamed for not knowing you were going to attack me in the middle of the day in my own office." Nathan was already in his customary spot, face-down just to Jack's left, with one arm flung across Jack's chest.

Jack patted the hand near his. "You're welcome."

***

Everyone else was already in Allison's office, watching on her monitor as the babies woke up, when Jo and several of Vincent's largest coffees entered the room.

"How's Zoe?" Jack asked, taking one from her.

"Did all her homework. Went to bed on time. Everything's good, Sheriff."

Jack raised an eyebrow at her. "You let her have a Vinspresso this morning, didn't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Jo said. "Coffee, Allison?"

"Speaking of babysitting," Nathan said, taking the coffee Fargo handed him, "who did you get to watch our Romanian infants there?"

"Just watch. He should be there in a second."

The infirmary door opened.

_"Larry?"_ Fargo squeaked.

"I told him I had a great opportunity for him to make an impression on upper management at GD, and serve as a mentor to a younger generation." Jack studied the shell-shocked look on Larry's face. "Maybe I should have given him a little more detail."

One of the babies wrapped himself around Larry's knee. Allison's monitor was sharp enough that the sagging diaper was clearly obvious.

"Don't take this wrong," Fargo said, "but I think I love you."

Nathan rolled his eyes.

Allison looked up from the monitor. "Well, Larry can probably manage them without doing any permanent damage for a few minutes, but that still leaves us with our original problem. Who are they, where did they come from, and how do we get them back without causing an international incident?"

"I can answer two of those questions." Jo reached under the coffee carrier and pulled out a stack of papers. She handed them around. "Your Romanian babies are, in fact, from a Romanian orphanage in the Moldavia region."

"Not Transylvania?" Fargo asked wistfully.

"The kids just disappeared out of their beds, as far as anyone there is concerned. The authorities have no leads. And, Allison, just in case your scientists don't feel bad enough about their accidental kidnapping--most of these children were scheduled for adoption in the next few months, just waiting for the paperwork to be processed."

Jack looked down at a grainy newspaper photo of a crying woman. "Aw, hell."

"Which again begs the question, how do we get them back?" Allison asked.

Jack looked over at Nathan and Fargo. "Well, I assume reversing the original process--"

"Untested," Nathan said.

"Dangerous," Fargo said.

"--is out of the question, right. Do we have any ninjas on staff? Daring midnight raid, anyone?"

There was a long pause.

"I was _kidding._ Stop looking at me like that!"

***

Nathan glared at him from the pilot's seat. "I blame you for this somehow."

"You volunteered." Jack slumped in the co-pilot's seat and scowled at the controls he wasn't allowed to touch. They skimmed along over--Wyoming, he thought. Or maybe South Dakota.

"I most certainly did not."

Jack waved a hand. "Allison didn't have to lean on you very hard. It's practically the same thing."

"Did I mention this is your fault?"

"Hey, I didn't perform a technological snatch-and-grab while trying to prove the origins of the universe, okay? I just came along and cleaned up like always." Jack crossed his arms and slouched down further in his chair. "I miss Henry," he muttered.

"Well, the babies are still settled in," Taggart said from behind them, making Jack jerk a little in surprise. "Not one of them has worked out how to open their straps at all."

Nathan barely looked up. "Taggart, they're toddlers, and those safety seats are modified from a design we're working on for the International Space Station."

Taggart sniffed in a way that somehow suggested he was disappointed in the babies.

"Maybe you should go back and watch them, just in case," Jack suggested, and Taggart perked up and hurried back to the back of the jet.

Nathan waited until he was out of earshot. "We might still get caught, you know."

"We're not going to get caught. I'm James Bond, you're Q, and Taggart's--Taggart. Whatever. We're just going to land inconspicuously, sneak in, drop the kids off, and sneak back. It'll be fine."

"And if it's not?"

"Then my custody arrangements are about to get substantially more complicated. I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine." Nathan huffed out a sigh. "Wait, James Bond? Are you delusional?"

"I think Sheriff Carter bears a striking resemblance to James Bond."

Jack and Nathan both froze.

"S.A.R.A.H.?" Jack asked tentatively.

"Yes?"

"Why are you on my plane?"

"Dr. Fargo installed me to offer any assistance you might need, particularly in the areas of navigation, electronic surveillance, and logistics."

"I can do all those things," Nathan pointed out.

"Of course you can, Dr. Stark."

Nathan was visibly grinding his teeth.

Jack looked behind them, but Taggart seemed unconcerned by the whole situation.

"Would you like me to fly for a while, Doctor?"

"No," Jack said quickly. He didn't need Nathan any more pissed off at his house. "We're good, S.A.R.A.H. Thanks."

"Thank you for letting me do that, at least," Nathan muttered.

"Well." Jack scratched the back of his head. "Also, it's kind of hot?"

Nathan snorted. "You're still not James Bond."

***

After a spirited argument, Nathan and S.A.R.A.H. finally decided on a field of some kind not far from the orphanage where they could safely and surreptitiously set the jet down. They landed very smoothly (very smugly on Nathan's part), and Jack swiveled his seat around.

"Okay, Taggart, what's the plan?"

"The plan?" Taggart asked blankly.

"The plan. The plan! The plan you said you had to transport all the kids at once!"

"Oh, right, that plan." Taggart reached behind his seat and pulled out several lengths of bungee cord.

Next to him, Nathan made a choking noise. Jack just stared at Taggart. "Are you kidding me? We're not tying our mountain bikes to the top of a Wrangler!"

"Even if it wasn't morally questionable, it wouldn't work," Nathan said.

"But--" Taggart gestured around himself. "Baby koalas--"

"Koalas tend to hold on, Taggart. Baby humans? They wiggle and squirm, and the mission here is not to drop them on their heads."

"Well, of course it's not." Taggart turned and rummaged some more. "Ah, duct tape?"

Nathan dropped his head into his hands.

There was a slight sound of mechanical feedback, the AI equivalent of a cleared throat. "Sheriff Carter?"

Jack looked up.

"I believe Dr. Fargo may have anticipated some difficulties when it came to the transportation of the children."

"Please tell me he anticipated a solution, too."

There was a whirring sound, and the safety seats rose and started bumping gently against the straps holding them in. The few babies who were awake seemed delighted.

Jack turned to Nathan, who held up both hands. "I had no idea."

***

They crept along the road to the orphanage, guiding the flying ("Hovering." "Whatever.") seats along and shushing the kids inside. The only illumination came from the stars above and a few faint lights on the top floor of the building. Jack kept having to suppress hysterical giggles, not that he'd ever admit it.

They left Taggart with the kids a few feet away, and Jack and Nathan crept up to the nearest door. Nathan scanned all around it, and leaned forward to look as far in the window as he could. "No lights, no movement," he whispered. "I think S.A.R.A.H. managed to get the system down from the plane."

"Are you sure?"

Nathan grinned at him. "Nope. Try it anyway."

Jack pulled out his lockpicks.

"You never did explain to me how you know how to do this," Nathan said, so close to Jack's ear that all the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

"Um." Jack cleared his throat a couple of times. "Slightly shady adolescence?"

"You don't say." Nathan had a hand on Jack's waist, which made it really hard to concentrate on the actual lockpicking.

"Tell you all about it--aha!" The lock clicked, and the door swung in. "--Later," Jack finished, and grabbed Nathan back long enough for a kiss before he turned back to wave Taggart forward.

Nathan turned on a single thin flashlight, and they made their way cautiously through the building. Thankfully, there was a playroom on the first floor that it looked like the kids would be safe in until Nathan, Jack, and Taggart could get away and--whatever, throw a rock at a window or something.

Jack lowered the last of the hovering seats down and smiled down at its occupant. "'Bye-bye," he said softly.

"Foot!" the boy said, beaming up at him.

"Shh!" all three men hissed at once, reflexively.

"Foot!" he squealed, waving his arms around against the straps. "FOOT!"

There were thumps upstairs. Speaking of feet--

Jack looked over at Taggart. "What now?" he mouthed at him.

Taggart, the wildlife and wilderness expert, just stared at him in panic. "RUN!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, and bolted for the door.

"Dammit, Taggart," Jack and Nathan said in unison, and ran after him.

***

"You ran?" Zoe asked. "Seriously?"

"Oh, I bet they ran," Jo said.

Jack eyed her. "You would have too. All those people crashing down the stairs and screaming and throwing things at us." He rubbed the shoulder Zoe was leaning on. She was still in her PJs and robe, having dashed out of bed as soon as they pulled in. Nathan was on his other side, drinking his second glass of wine, and Jo sat across from them for better mockability.

"Nathan didn't run," Zoe said confidently.

"Oh, like a rabbit," Nathan corrected her cheerfully. "Taggart still beat us back to the plane by a ridiculous margin, though."

"Remind me to do something really horrible to him when he's not expecting it," Jack said.

Nathan grinned at him. "Something you picked up in your slightly shady adolescence?"

Jack widened his eyes at him.

"I still don't know why you didn't let _me_ babysit them," Zoe said, resting her head on the back of the couch right next to Jack. "Nine kids? That's a huge moneymaking opportunity there."

"That's a huge diaper-changing opportunity there. You should be thanking me," Jack said.

Zoe and Nathan made identical scoffing noises, and Jack laughed.

"Just promise you'll never wish fat babies on me again, okay, honey?"

"Fine. Maybe you can raise show dogs instead. Pomeranians?"

"Careful," Nathan said. "Somewhere in Eureka there's someone with a litter of killer Pomeranians just waiting to break out."

Jack put a hand over Nathan's mouth. "Bite your tongue, Stark."

***

Of course, no one in Eureka was raising killer Pomeranians.

They were Yorkshire Terriers.


End file.
